Alianne vs. The Legs: The Inseam Controversy

I am done. Finished. I’ve had it. This injustice will not be borne!

Jeans
And not an ass crack to be seen.

When exactly has the clothing industry for ordinary people turned into a shape Nazi?

In the last few years, I have watched clothing on the racks of my favorite stores take a nosedive in both appeal and quality and shrink to the size of a 5’4″ anorexic. It’s maddening! What the hell is a size 0?? Since when does a waistband 2″ below the belly button qualify as “high waist”? And someone explain to me what “curvy skinny jeans” are. Please. I would really like to know.

And while we’re on the subject, just an FYI, I don’t need “skinny” jeans. Nor do I want a “second skin” or “spray-on”–really? Come on! I’m 5’11” and my stems look like I stole them off an ostrich! I put on skinny jeans and I might as well be walking on toothpicks.

But apparently, the definition of “wide leg” has been updated to mean just loose enough that the seams don’t stretch over your body. I just want regular loose fit jeans. Is that too much to ask? Why does my choice have to be this in the women’s section:

Ultra-Low-Rise-Jeans-Imageor this in the men’s:

Karl_Kani_Baggy_Jeans
Photo courtesy of Wikipedia because I don’t think they actually make these anymore either.

And what on earth is up with this??? No, really…what?:

low-rise-jeans-men-womenCall me old fashioned, or old, if you prefer (because apparently 27 qualifies as old now), but back in my day, jeans were the go-to pants for comfort. They weren’t a fashion statement, or an excuse to show more than anyone ever wanted to see. They fit without needing to be adjusted every time I moved, covered what needed covering, and could take one hell of a beating. That fabric could survive a freaking atomic explosion.

Now? I put my stretch jeans through the wash one time and the inseam shrinks by an inch–and for a gal of my height, that just pisses me off. It’s amazing how sizes can go up to 5XL now, easily accommodating curvy bodies, but ask for tall sizes and people look at you like you’re from a different planet. “We don’t carry those here.” Sure, yeah, I feel you. No one else does, either. Did you know, there is a certain brand of jeans which comes in “long” but the “regular” is actually longer? I am not making this up.

*deep breath* Ohm…

You’re probably wondering what brought on this psychotic rant. The answer is simple: My one good pair of jeans is falling apart. I’ve had these pants for about ten years now, a lucky find in a close-out sale, they were the very last ones in my size and I adore them. ¬†Faded gray, wide leg that’s actually wide, they even came with a matching belt. So I went online (because I have long ago given up on stores carrying my size of a 36-37″ inseam) hoping against hope that someone somewhere would have the perfect pair of jeans in my size just waiting for me to click BUY.

You know what I’ve discovered? They don’t. Not the cheap places, not the regular stores, not the off the wall fashion stores, not even the super high-end websites where a pair of pants will run you $400 or more. Everywhere I look, I see bone-thin models wearing painted-on blue fabric that just barely covers the front and leaves the back hanging out, and flares the slightest bit below the knee, if at all.

There is so little variety it makes me truly sad. And not just for the lack of imagination, but also for all those women out there like me who have a harder and harder time finding clothes that fit. I’m not a fashionista. I don’t follow the latest trends. I’m just happy to have clothes I can move in, that I don’t have to replace every two months. Really, the jeans aren’t for me so much as everyone else. Without them, I would wear sweatpants or hiking cargos on a daily basis (as my friend and frustrated photographer Mia can attest).

So please, if anyone is listening, bring back proper jeans. I, and the world at large would be ever so grateful.

Sincerely,

This gal:

P6180096

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